Like many women, I’ve dreamed of getting married since I was a little girl. It wasn’t the typical dream of what my dress will look like or what color flowers I’d have at my reception. Rather, it was the more general dream of falling in love and having that man by my side forever. I figured, I’d meet the man of my dreams in college and be engaged by the time I was 23. When 23 came and went, I told myself, you’ll probably meet him by 25. Then, when I was 25 and still not married, I told myself that for sure I’d be married, or at least engaged, by the time I was 30 years old. Now I’m 33, I don’t even currently have a boyfriend, and, for the first time, I’m ok with that.

I grew up watching Disney movies, most of which concluded with a happy ending consisting of the heroine getting married to her prince. I watched TV shows and movies, many of whose plots revolved around a girl “getting” a guy. Even my family consistently pressured me with questions like “So, when are you getting married?” and comments like, “You should go to [insert any singles event here]; you might meet someone!” Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate their efforts and I’m grateful for their concern. However, all of these factors only served to refocus my attention from finding the right mate to “getting married.” I started prioritizing finding a man and being in a relationship over finding the RIGHT man and being in the RIGHT relationship.

I’ve had a few serious relationships over the years, all with incredible, smart, kind men. Each of whom is a true mentsch. I honestly do not have one bad word to say about any of them. However, despite all their wonderful qualities, it was clear early on that they were not the right match for me. So why did I stay in those relationships (sometimes for years)? Because having a good relationship with a man I loved seemed more important than finding a suitable lifetime partner, a person with whom I could truly build the life I want. Of course love plays a vital role in the relationship. I would never marry a man whom I didn’t love. However, the butterflies, the spark, the attraction, even enjoying each other’s personalities, is not enough to build a lasting relationship on. And so, my past relationships, each of which I valued dearly, never ultimately ended in marriage.

I used to pray to G-d and ask Him why I wasn’t married yet. I used to pray for Him to help me get married soon. And I used to wonder why He wasn’t listening to me. Now I know why. Because had He sent me my soulmate in the past years, I may have easily overlooked him. Because had I gotten married in my twenties, I most likely would have married the wrong person.

Since my twenties, I’ve grown tremendously as a person. During my younger days, my priorities mostly revolved around “having fun.” I placed great emphasis on having many friends, going to social gatherings, and enjoying myself. Naturally, I was developing relationships with like-minded people. After all, you attract who you are. But, as I’ve matured, my priorities have gradually, though radically, shifted. Certain things remain the same, I was always a family-oriented individual and that value remains ingrained within me to this day. But otherwise, I’ve found my interests have drastically changed and are, dare I say, a little less selfish.

I’ve truly embarked on a journey of self-discovery these past few years. What I found was astonishing to me. Although I was raised in a Modern Orthodox Jewish home, I rebelled against my upbringing in my twenties. It wasn’t an intentional rebellion, I did not harbor any ill feelings toward Judaism and the traditions with which I was raised. Rather, I merely viewed Judaism, especially the restrictions that accompany many of its laws, as cumbersome and inconvenient. I was at a point in my life where I wanted to assert my independence, finally feel unburdened by the restrictions placed upon me as a child. In my immature mind, this meant that I should indulge my impulses to have fun and break free from any restraints. Nowadays, my outlook is completely different. Not only do I not view Judaism as a burden, I embrace it. I love Judaism and I’m grateful for being part of the Jewish people. All one has to do is look at how the whole international Jewish community came together in recent days during the disappearance of the three teenagers and the current conflict in Israel to understand the deep bond we have with one another. All one has to do is look at the outpouring of support and immense number of people who showed up for funerals of IDF “lone soldiers” to understand that no Jew is ever a “lone” anything. We are a family; I have a family of millions.

Moreover, I love the Jewish traditions and the mitzvot (commandments) I once thought of as a burden. Instead of looking forward to a Friday night party, I now excitedly anticipate Shabbat, the Jewish day of rest. I welcome Shabbat and I’m grateful for a day exclusively reserved for spending time with my family, learning, and growing spiritually as a person. Instead of dreading going to synagogue, as I did in my twenties when I thought it was boring, I enjoy being at shul and being part of my community. I feel a connection to G-d when I pray and I now value that connection more than I thought possible. It’s actually unburdened me from many stresses of living in a world one interprets as dangerous and random. Being able to communicate with G-d and believing that He hears your prayers, allows you a peace of mind that doesn’t come from anything else in life. Financial security, good looks, marriage, children.. all these things can be taken away in an instant. But, if you believe in G-d and feel as though you have a connection with Him, then no matter what life throws your way, you can always retain some sort of peace by knowing that there is a reason and there is a plan, regardless of how incomprehensible it may seem to the human mind at the time.

Furthermore, I transformed into a person of conviction. I know what is important to me and I stand up for what I believe in. For example, Israel has always held a special place in my heart. I grew up in a Zionist household where I was taught to love Israel, the Jewish homeland of thousands of years. Especially coming from a family of Holocaust survivors, it was easy to understand the importance of the State of Israel and how dear it will always be to the Jewish people. Now, as Israel’s mere existence, once again, is being threatened, I no longer just sit home and wish for the best. I take action. I donate money to legit causes to help support the IDF and Israeli civilians affected by terrorist attacks. I pray with great kavana (intention and feeling) to G-d to protect Israel, the IDF, Israeli citizens, and Jews throughout the world from terrorist attacks and the violent wave of anti-Semitism overtaking the globe. And I act — I attend rallies, I write opinion pieces, I speak out on social media. I defend my people and I defend my homeland. No longer do I sit silent; I speak out. And in doing so, I feel stronger as a person, I raise my head higher, and I walk with a greater air of dignity.

And so, to get back to my original point, how does this affect my outlook on marriage? Why am I now ok with being single when I previously obsessed over when I would meet my mate? The answer is that I now realize that G-d actually was listening to my prayers all along. Of course I’m single now, because had I gotten married earlier, I would have undoubtedly chosen the wrong person. Because my priorities were warped and because I was not yet mature and developed as a person, what I was looking for in a potential husband (what I was attracted to) was not what ultimately, I now realize, would make me happy. The men I was dating, though wonderful people, did not share my current love of Judaism, or religion in general. Their outlooks didn’t agree with what mine currently is. They didn’t want to raise a family with the same traditions and values I hold dear. Had I married one of them, it would have surely either ended in divorce or an ultimately unhappy union. And so, I’m at peace with being 33 and single. In fact, I realize I had to be 33 and single in order to be available for the right match. Do I wish it didn’t take me 33 years to reach this level of self-understanding? Of course. But, since it did, I’m glad to have the opportunity to now be available to find a true soulmate.